In the beginning, there was light. This vexed the locals greatly and did interrupt their day and yea did they move with much grumbling into the far corners of the universe to avoid the light.
From the light came the Conversation. And it was good.
And lo, in the Conversation were beings of great and benevolent power, love, and might. And the beings of the Conversation were the Most Holy Creator and the Almost as Holy Mother of the Creator. And at the beginning of the Conversation, the Creator’s Mother spoke unto the Creator, “Get thee into thine own room and finish thy work of home. Now-eth, please!” To which the Creator did say under His breath onto His most holy of Mothers, “Whatever-eth.”
And thus did the light extinguish, and there was the thunderous sound of the closing of the door of the universe, which brought into being the Headache of the Mother.
And the Creator spoketh unto Himself as He had not as-ith of yet created any who might harken unto Him. And the Creator spoketh thus, “Ok, Ok….giveth me some-eth lights!” And there was again light in the Universe. And this did greatly vex the locals who had moved back in from the far corners of the universe where they did swear to remain for all time until the darkenss returned upon which time they did thinketh that maybe the old universe was back to normal and they could re-live the good old days but now here-eth be that light most foul again I shall move to the far corners of the universe once more.
And then did the Creator pull the Assignment from His most holy of robes. And the Creator did read of the Assignment.
And it was good.
And the Creator did then sigh in a most bored of ways.
The Creator said, “Let there be music.” And thus was music heard throughout the Universe. The Creator saw this was good, and so did He play-eth the most holy of Air Drums for nigh upon 20 millennia.
From beyond the beyond of the Universe was heard again the voice of the most holy Mother and She spoketh unto Him, “Do not maketh me come unto thine room. I haveth a headache. Do thy work of home!” And there was great grumblings heard in the universe.
And thus did the Creator take up the Assignment again and review. And the Creator sighed in a most bored of ways. The Creator took up his tools and moved to His most holy Bench of Work. And He did then create the world by His hand and His command and his many droppings of f-bombs.
And when the Creator was finished, He looked upon what He had wrought and He did say, “Meh, good enough.” And it was good enough.
And so did the Creator lean over and open the Drawer of the Unseen in his Bench of Work. And with a flash of spark did the Creator light-eth up a most righteous smoke. And the Creator saw that the smoke was most delightful and good.
With the end-eth of the smoke did the Creator lean close to the world he has wrought. And thus did He say unto the world in a most relaxed voice, “Life.” And upon the world were suddenly life of all shapes and sizes, living in harmony with all fellow beings. And it was good.
And so the Creator leaned back in His chair and sighed. And it was good.
And in His joy, the Creator made to play Music in the Universe once again. And the Music was loud. And the Music was Angry. And the Music was pulsing with the rhythm of creation itself. And the Music also held a fat back-beat. And thus did the Creator take up His mighty Air Drumsticks and play. And as He played, he did say unto the universe, “For those about to rock, we salute you!”
And when-eth the Music was heard in the world did all things change. And the harmony of life was broken. And all creatures great and small sought to preserve only their own kind and to make war on all others.
When the Creator’s most holy of Air Drum Solo was done, He looked upon the world and saw what the Music had wrought. And thus did the Creator say unto the world, “Aw, Man! Come on...”
And the Creator did hear the cries of the people of the world, and he did see the strife and death that was brought upon his good work. And the Creator did smell the foul stench of bodies burned in his honor. And the Creator was much distressed, as this could not possibly gain him a good grade.
Upon-eth the world did one voice raised in prayer reach the Ear of the Creator above all others. And so did the Creator look about the world until He did lay his great eyes upon a small boy in a deep forest. The Creator said unto the boy, “What-eth is going on down there? Why do you and your kin make war upon all the world?"
And the boy did soil his loincloth as he did not expect-eth to receive an answer in such a direct way from the Creator. The boy trembled before the presence of his maker. After much weeping, and trembling, and general 'What have I dones', the Creator grew impatient and demanded an answer from the boy. And the boy did answer by saying unto the Creator, “Oh Lord and Creator of all, they started it.”
After much face rubbing, The Creator said to the boy, “Well, I'm going to finish-eth it!”
And the boy said, “Lord, I beg only that you give me the means to smite mine enemies as they have smite-ed-eth mine kin. Do you not see that I am the last of my kind? Do you not feel the suffering in my body? I ask only for what is mine by right! Give me power, Lord, to hang them by their entrails with a thought.”
And the Creator was sad, for He wished only for things to be easy.
And so the Creator did set the boy upon a mountain and did sayeth unto him, “I give unto thee the gift of long life and vision to see any part of the world thee wisheth to see to atone for the loss of thy family and peoples, for such was not-eth Mine intention. Now stay put. I don't want to have to go looking for you again.” And the Creator spoke and His voice was heard by all living creatures of the world, “Enough-eth of this war and strife! Mine Assignment does not allow for warring peoples and nations. It calls only for a peaceful and harmonious world. So, cut it out!”
And the peoples of the world looked up from their battles and struggles and said unto one another, “The Lord our Creator wishes for no more war. We must fight harder and lay down all other peoples so there will be no more reason for war!”
And the Creator sighed and rubbed His eyes.
And so did the boy pray that the Creator hearken unto his words again, and did he say unto the Creator, “Lord, if you’d just give-eth me that power we had-eth discussed earlier, I would smite all of these heathens for thee. Perhaps a different power? Give me your holy light and I shall burn their genitalia from their bodies so they can make no more progeny and will die from this world like the scum they are?”
And the Creator said unto him, “Remind-eth me to not make another like you.”
The Creator pulled from his Box of Many Tools some mountain ranges, and rivers, and a few mighty deserts bequeathed upon Him by His most holy Uncle for a toy train set He never used… and these he did-eth place between the warring nations to separate them and to quell their wars. For a short time, there was peace between nations as the Creator had designed. But soon throughout the world, the Creator saw many of His children die in willing sacrifice to His name.
The Creator called to the boy on the mountain and said unto him, “You!” And this did cause the boy to soil his loincloth, as no one expects their god and creator to come upon them in the dark from behind. And the Creator said unto the boy, “What the Hell-eth, dude? Is there something in the water down there? I didn’t ask for sacrifices. The stench of burning flesh and hearts doeth make-eth me quite ill.”
And the boy, after recovery of his breath, said unto the Creator, “Oh Lord, I have looked upon the people of the world for many a year. Cut off from each other, they have-eth no knowledge of the world around them. Each nation and people thinks itself to be the only nation or people fenced in by Your Grace. The priests of these nations think that You have removed them from holy wars as punishment and sacrifice many a virgin in the hopes of pleasing You and regaining the right to battle and vanquish all other nations.”
“I have never asked for any sacrifice of my people. I only wish for peace upon this world,” said the Creator. “Who-eth gave thee this idea?”
The boy answered, “Lord, many of your people have a hard time telling a priest with a large knife ‘no’. After the first few public sacrifices of those who argue, most are happy to give up the virgins. Now about that power we did speak of many a year ago…”
And the Creator sighed and rubbed His eyes.
And after a time He spoke-eth in a whisper to the world, “Spread Thine Love.” And with this, the world was changed. Where before each people could couple with only their kind, now some were touched by the Creators words and could couple with beasts. This created new people that mixed the best of both peoples. And the Creator hoped these new breeds would be a link between the old and that peace would be found through their mixed children. And the Creator opened small passages through the mountains and rivers to let the people mingle again.
And it was good.
Until the peoples grew restless and the head priests of all peoples said unto their congregations, “The Lord and Creator of all seeks to test our faith. He hath placed mountains and trees and rivers in our path to punish us. Now he hath opened paths into our lands and allowed the heretics of our enemies to mix with our children and create abominations. We must prove our faith by overcoming-eth these obstacles and smite our enemies far from the comfort and pleasures of our homes. Grind our enemies into dust and bring low these heretical mix-breed beasts that the Lord might see our love for Him.”
And the Creator saw his peoples build great machines of war. And they did learn to cut great passages in the forests and the mountains. And they did learn to build great bridges over the rivers. And in time war began anew in greater strength than ever before.
And the Creator sighed and rubbed His eyes and pulled from his Box of Many Tools the Gods. And He did put the Gods into the world and said unto them, “You with them and-eth you with them, and-eth you….with…..uh….them. And you lot, over-eth with them there.” And the Creator spake unto the world again and He did say, “Behold, I give you these Gods to guide you into peace and prosperity. Harken unto their words and follow their teachings as they be Mine representatives upon the world.”
And there was peace in the world as the Gods did as they were bid by the Creator and brought their peoples home from foreign nations and taught them the ways of peace.
And it was good.
And the Creator leaned back from His work and did rest his eyes until His ears did prick at the sound of the boy’s prayers once again. And the Creator looked upon the boy again and did say-eth unto him, “I had-eth almost forgotten about you. Do you see that vengeance is a false path and that thou ist better off without it? Hast thou seen the peace I have wrought in the world?”
And the boy spake unto the Creator, “What-eth peace? Thine Gods have been convinced by their people that even if Thou hast said there is to be peace between all peoples, what Thou truly means is Thou wishes for the strongest of the peoples to rise up and force peace upon all other peoples. Now about that power, Lord…”
And the Creator was angry and pulled all of the Gods up high onto the highest mountain and he did command them to stay there where they could not be influenced by the people. And the Gods were sad, as all the really good parties were down among the people. And so did the Gods begin to work behind-eth the Creator’s back, influencing their followers through dreams and tosses of the Die of Fate. And know that the Die of Fate is no mere six sided die but the one hundred sided die of chaos. Woe be to he who is the focus of the Gods games.
And the Creator, in His most righteous wrath did say unto the world, “Allright-eth! No more Mr. Nice Creator. Thou will doeth as thou are told or thou will suffer the consequences. I will not receive a bad grade because of thee!” With that, the Creator reached into the Box of Many Tools and pulled forth Daemons both great and small. These did he put deep into the bowels of the world and also into the dark places of the surface.” The Creator tasked the Daemons with harassment of the mortal peoples in the hopes of distracting them from their wars with more immediate problems.
And it was good. The daemons began to harass the peoples of the world.
[add angles here]
Weary was the Creator and he said unto the boy in a tired voice, “Thou has lived for what amounts to be thousands of life-times in thine reckoning. Has at least thou learned to not be like unto a pain in Mine bottom? Will though at least be peaceful even if the other peoples of the world will not?”
And the boy wept, for he had seen many a war and many a people take vengeance only to cause more grief and harm across the world. And he spoke-eth unto the Creator, “Yes Lord, I see and obey thee. I have seen many a child grieve and suffer as I have suffered by the loss of parents and kin in the horrible wars.” And the Creator did smile, if only-eth a little. And the Creator tasked the boy with spreading His gospel of peace through the world, as the Creator had realized that talking directly to the peoples of the world was a very frustrating waste of time.
And the Creator said unto the boy, “By the by, what is your name boy?”
“Joe, Lord.”
Joe? Thou does not-eth look like a ‘Joe’. I took thee to be more of a ‘Bgetrelwautiouskxinthy’.”
“No, Lord, just ‘Joe’. The name thou hast suggested is quite unpronounceable.”
“I suppose it is-eth, Joe. You get out-eth there and see if thou can speak some sense into these people. I need-eth a break. I give ye the power you once asked of Me so you may do My work in haste and earnest.” And so was the Prophet of the Stone sent out into the world where he walks still.
After a time, heard in the world were the Creator’s footsteps. And so did the Creator leave from the Universe in search of the Mother and a sandwich. And upon his return it is said-eth that He and the Mother will make the world whole and all peoples will live in peace and harmony until the world is delivered unto the Professor at the end of time.
